When I was younger I couldn`t tell the difference.I was so naive,innocent,ingenue and I thought the entire world was my friend.Then,I grew up and started to understand bits of this life,parts of the human nature and actions done for the sake of your private welfare.Actions performed by selfish persons,actions that left scars on my soul and turned me into a wiser girl,wiser but probably too bruised...
I don`t like to be used and to show up in your group of friends so that others can realize how cool you are just because you hang out with all these "interesting" persons.I am rather dull when it comes to talks and sick of these petty excuses just so you can receive attention,feel special etc.Worst of all ,I grew tired of these universal dialogue themes: how bad is the economical situation,how awful is lady *&^^ dressed bla bla bla.So I can predict the general talks-and no,I`m fed up of being part of them.
Okay,so maybe I can have a nice conversation,but if I can`t come /am not in the mood for social outbursts of common uncivility ,spare me the details and spoiled brat attitude.I may have a good ,darn reason for refusing an invitation,request,demand etc.
I am not here to humour anybody,I am not here to please and make somebody smile.If you want to feel good don`t drag me in your misery and fake good disposition.You must understand that when you`re part of a group of people you should think if others feel good in your context,too.Or have we all become so self centered in our own,small Universe that we disregard others?
If I try to make amends and propose another version don`t bitchslap me with words-you`ll just make me erase you from my life-I don`t need people that drain the life out of others.Simple as that.I don`t need YOUR forgiveness,I don`t need your ATTENTION,AND WHAT THE fuck have you done for me so I owe you something in return?Why do I owe you my life or the good mood mode?Why do you make it seem like I`m obliged to do what you want to?
I haven`t got a lot of friends-but I have ENOUGH friends that owe me nothing,I owe them nothing.If I spill my kidneys out and I curl in pain*kidney stones* and I need to rest in bed why don`t you understand my impossibility of being pleasant in moments like these and fill my life with reproach?Why are you so self centered?Why must I explain every action I take?If I proposed something for some other time you mock my tries of making things better for both of us and say things like you want it now ,not some other time because... bla bla?This is SICK.I don`t need these things so I`m out the door,I erased you,I have my life,my friends that are by my side and understand me in my darkest times and in my best times,too.

There are some things beyond my power.For example acute kidney aches.I feel lucky to have my friends.My real friends.Not shadows,not plagues,not balls and chains coiled around my body.I usually am calm and don`t get angered so easily,but somebody has crossed the line-this time it wasn`t me...this time was the last time I allow myself to explain the things I do-next time no more explanations,I`ll be the bitch-if it`s easier for you to perceive me like that,I allow you to see me as the bad character in your charade.